normal-horoscopes:

Aries: It is time to sand all of your appendages off until you are a perfect circle.

Taurus: Collect all the light you can possibly collect. Once you get enough you can cause a tree of light to sprout from your neck.

Gemini: Wearing full plate steel armor under your clothes may not be inconspicuous, but who cares if trouble comes knocking when you’re already armored up.

Cancer: Instead of filing your nails down, consider serrating them so they deal slashing damage.

Leo: When you see the black, many eyed owls, immediately turn around and snuff out any lights. Your light up sneakers will have to go. Sacrifices must be made.

Virgo: The 80s are back and it wants the salt totem you stole from its tomb.

Libra: What you think are arcane runes are actually serial numbers. Alchemy leads to chemistry leads to alchemy.

Scorpio: Nothing will ever be the same, the march of time is impossible to stop and boy is that a bummer.

Ophiuchus: A small quail made entirely out of books.

Sagittarius: Fail publicly, you may find the help you need to not fail next time. If anyone makes fun of you, strangle them.

Capricorn: Nobody likes crowds, so that tear gas grenade was for everyone’s benefit.

Aquarius: If you blame others for your own mistakes, you are doomed to make them again.

Pisces: Growth is simply growth. Gardens and cancers alike.

astrawrlogy:

(Requested. Check your sun, moon, Saturn, and maybe the ruling sign of the house your sun & Saturn are posited within.)

ARIES || self-loathing. Everyone is vulnerable to negative opinions of themselves, but Aries, like Virgos, often have unrealistically high expectations for themselves. When they don’t achieve the goals they’ve likely overworked themselves for, they can sink into pits of resentment toward their own abilities, even if the fault wasn’t their own. They’re generally so confident and determined that hatred toward themselves is easy to hide.

TAURUS || inadequacy. Taurus are labeled the laziest sign of the Zodiac, and while that may be true, regardless, it is often the source and result of the low expectations they have for themselves. They have a habit of putting too little faith in their own abilities or ambitions, and this causes an almost defeatist attitude, which is, in the end, self-sabotage.

GEMINI || confusion. Geminis are considered very witty and socially intelligent, and that’s because they usually are, but they often experience severe misunderstanding. For as much as they talk, there’s a huge lack of communication. They may find it particularly hard to figure other people out. “Why are they acting this way? What did I do to produce this reaction? Why is their behavior affecting me so much?” Emotions are not their forte.

CANCER || brashness. Cancers aren’t the weak crybabies many stereotypes make them out to be, and can be rather courageous people. They don’t see that in themselves, however, and they dislike the persistent feeling of timidity that they experience. They may try to combat it with irrational, impulsive action, doing things that scare them to offset their lack of faith in their own strength.

LEO || misunderstanding. Leos look like open books to most people, but underneath that golden mask of confidence & exuberance lies a deep-seated feeling of being too different to be comprehended. Their efforts to be friendly manifest in overbearing bossiness; their need to be shown affection manifests in clingy jealousy; their desire to be seen as valuable manifests in vanity. They feel that their true self is hidden by the costume they wear to highlight the most beautiful aspects of themselves, but that covers up the reality and causes them to feel rather alone or unseen.

VIRGO || arrogance. Virgos are expected to be the soft-spoken & self-sacrificing sweethearts of gentleness and grace, and yes, a lot of them are, but being so critical, it’s common for them to find themselves in an unreasonably vain headspace. They often feel that they know best, that they’re the only ones with the ability to complete a task correctly, or that their point of the view is the most logical and anyone who disagrees is ignorant or even unintelligent.

LIBRA || self-righteousness. Libras, being the mediators of the Zodiac, tend to feel a constant, pressing need to be morally correct, and this often leads them to an ability to justify any of their actions. One would assume that a Libra would be far quicker to consider themselves guilty, and this is typically the case, but since they want to be right, they can make anything seem right so that their conscience doesn’t suffer.

SCORPIO || guilt. Scorpios are often perceived as conceited and sanctimonious, but that is all too frequently a false front to protect the profound shame they experience. Scorpios can be exceptionally dark people, and they are painfully aware of this fact; sometimes they scare themselves, and this leads to powerful self-reproach. The holier-than-thou facade and the self-condemnation both stem from the same source – their deep, unique compassion & understanding of what it means to be human.

SAGITTARIUS || regret. Sagittarius are notorious for their “IDGAF” behavior, and it is rarely recognized that they they can care – a lot. They dislike being in the wrong and may blind themselves to their mistakes, but when they recognize their faults and bad decisions, they may sink into profound remorse. They are able to own up to the things they’ve done, but it takes a lot.

CAPRICORN || self-disesteem. Many people assume Capricorns are haughty and unfeelingly ruthless individuals, but if that’s true, it’s because they have little self-worth and regard themselves with disdain. They place their value in their accomplishments, much like Aries, and lead themselves to believe that if they don’t succeed, they will be worthless.

AQUARIUS || loneliness. Aquarius are very emotionally secluded, even if they’re the most social people you know. There will always be a part of them that no one sees, and sometimes, all they want is for that sacred secret to be experienced by someone else. It can be painful to lack direct meaningful contact with other people, but Aquarius don’t think it’s worth making the effort for because they are just too different. They don’t want to waste their beauty on someone who won’t understand, and that leaves them by themselves.

PISCES || apathy. Pisces are unarguably the most compassionate Zodiac sign with boundless empathy & understanding. However, on the other hand, they are susceptible to extreme selfishness if they get stuck ruts of in self-pity. That can lead to a stubborn or even rebellious anger, and anger leads to coldness. This is entirely against their nature, but it happens to more Pisces than you’d think. It’s detrimental to them, too, which only makes it worse.

isastrobitch:

Aries: Hercules, son of Zeus and Alcmene, badass dude
that killed and captured like a ton of monsters. He was kind of a
jerk tho. Perseus wannabe.

Taurus: Aphrodite, godess of sex and love. Fave hobby:
cheating on asshole husband.

Cancer: Hera, godess of marriage and home, she always
fixes every family mess but becomes a psychopathic bitch when it
comes to her husband.

Gemini: Hermes, messenger god, nervous and talkative,
kinda restless. Knows lots of things. Friends with all the gods. But
probs doesn’t stand them. Always making fake messages and trolling
his bros.

Leo: Apollo, god of the Sun and poetry, probs makes
some ugly ass haikus, popular kid of the Olympus, pretty chill but
hella dramatic when he wants to.

Virgo: Penelope, Odysseus wife, who faithfully awaited
for his return. 108 dudes were coming outta her ass, but she found a
way to make them pay (you know, the bow contest and all, lets not
even talk about the shroud). Very intelligent and patient.

Libra: Helen of Troy, daughter of Zeus and Leda, she
was considered the most beautiful woman of the world, she was married
to some guy but she left him for Paris (kinda love her for that).

Scorpio: Hades, god of death, ruler of hell (more like the afterlife). Watch out
if he likes u, he’ll probably abduct you or smth. Has a skeleton
kink.

Sagittarius: Eros, has a serious problem with sticking
arrows on people and make them fall in love, however he has
1000000000 commitment issues, like seriously, show him a chick and
he’ll fly his ass outta there in a sec.

Capricorn: Atlas, literally carries the sky on his
shoulders, srsly needs to chill. Tired 24/7 with an ambitious job
lmao.

Aquarius: Achilles, this dude is indestructible, but
Paris tickles his heel and he drops dead. Just like this guys, they
might appear cold as ice, but touch their weak spot and they’ll
show you otherwise.

Pisces: Dionysus, drunk aunt of the Olympus, has a
great love for wine, drugs n shit. Family disappointment. A drunken
kind of chill.

infamously-exhausted:

aries: the definition of a fuckboy but they actually have a soul. literally don’t give two shits about the haters and are some of the most loyal friends i’ve ever encountered. have very sudden growth periods. super dedicated to anything they put their mind to. ALSO OH MY GOD SO GOOD WITH THE TONGUE 

taurus: very eccentric, don’t really know how to deal with emotions. get flustered easily but it’s kinda cute. dreamy demeanor. will ignore the hell out of u if u fuck them over. are lowkey terrified of everything but will probs never admit that as they have some weird element of ego tied into that. 

gemini: really chill people when u get to know them but will scare the shit out of u for like six years if u don’t approach them. do not fucking piss them off as they will butcher yo ass with their tongue and hang u up for the rest of the world to see. probably has daddy issues. writers. really physically attractive and everybody is intimidated as fuck by it. dumb as hell in terms of love and will flirt with you incessantly. REALLY FUCKIN GOOD WITH THEIR HANDS LIKE DAMN. 

cancer: big hearts. fuckin adorable little water signs that are likely drowning in a puddle of their own tears. do not know how to fucking flirt to save their lives. their laughs are kooky as hell and i love it. probably smoke weed. u either love ‘em or want to kill them or are in some poorly balanced inbetween.

leo: okay y’all needa settle down a bit. fragile fuckin egos if i’ve ever seen ‘em and react hardcore if u piss them off. pretty over the top with everything. but damn, are some of the most hopelessly romantic motherfuckers i’ve met. will treat you like a fucking god(dess) if u let them. not super good at social cues tbh. good friends to have if u need to be validated. need quality time. 

virgo: y’all are lowkey hoes and give no fucks about it and it’s fucking great omfg. despite that, they maintain an endearing innocence and can be childish af when things don’t go their way but will love u until the end of time. great taste in music. super fucking smart but don’t show it off too often. 

libra: jesus christ okay i love u guys. super understanding and will always try to see all sides of a situation. probably have been through a lot. aren’t afraid to call u on ur shit and are lowkey emotional shawtys that are still trying to find themselves. make really wonderful parents. get crazy excited over little shit and it’s fucking adorable. 

scorpio: don’t fuck with these hoes unless u know urself first. will expose the parts of urself that u didn’t want to see. super gnarly in fights and will love u until the end of time. pretty standoffish and need time alone when emotionally unstable. keep themselves in amazing shape. are the loneliest fucks i know; be kind to them always. are probably in great shape (physically.)

sagittarius: craziest mofos out there. abandon all emotions before going into a situation and can be super impulsive. funny as fuck and always seem to be on another level. push themselves to the limit and usually forget to give themselves a break. ambitious and can get shit done when they need to. 

capricorn: talk about a ride or die. y’all are loyal to the grave and are incredible friends. until u get fucked over. will probably make ur enemies’ life a living hell, sometimes over-the-top about it. can be v athletic. good writers/artists. really interested in spirituality and the ethereal realms. u guys know what to do in bed and flirt hard af. also so fucking funny oh my god. 

aquarius: amazing friends. probably hate u. easily excitable. space cadets 4 life. rly good with animals and love food but probably restrict their eating habits in one way or another. a paradox in that they are fucking driven as hell to get shit done but give zero fucks at the same time. lowkey kinky af. want to kiss everyone. 

pisces: emotional shawtys through and through. physically attractive as hell. not good at romantic relationships. won’t forget about u for a million years. keep their friends close but will push u the fuck away if they get scared. insecure and just want u to stick around.