Normal Horoscope:

normal-horoscopes:

Aries: It is time to sand all of your appendages off until you are a perfect circle.

Taurus: Collect all the light you can possibly collect. Once you get enough you can cause a tree of light to sprout from your neck.

Gemini: Wearing full plate steel armor under your clothes may not be inconspicuous, but who cares if trouble comes knocking when you’re already armored up.

Cancer: Instead of filing your nails down, consider serrating them so they deal slashing damage.

Leo: When you see the black, many eyed owls, immediately turn around and snuff out any lights. Your light up sneakers will have to go. Sacrifices must be made.

Virgo: The 80s are back and it wants the salt totem you stole from its tomb.

Libra: What you think are arcane runes are actually serial numbers. Alchemy leads to chemistry leads to alchemy.

Scorpio: Nothing will ever be the same, the march of time is impossible to stop and boy is that a bummer.

Ophiuchus: A small quail made entirely out of books.

Sagittarius: Fail publicly, you may find the help you need to not fail next time. If anyone makes fun of you, strangle them.

Capricorn: Nobody likes crowds, so that tear gas grenade was for everyone’s benefit.

Aquarius: If you blame others for your own mistakes, you are doomed to make them again.

Pisces: Growth is simply growth. Gardens and cancers alike.